1) NBC has THREE evening talkshows going on right now. Thats SIX meaningless guests and THREE shitty musical acts. Monday to Friday. Like, Come on!!! I thought when Jay Leno got moved to primetime he would at least lose Kevin Eubanks and his barrage of different Philadelphia sports franchises’ hats. But no, Kev is still there bendin strings and supporting shitty teams on international television. And still LAUGHING INTO THE MICROPHONE. What a job. Then Conan comes on and tries oh so hard not to look like a carrot, and THEN Jimmy Fallon! ..Which might I add is the closest thing to treading water in the shallow end as one gets in the tv industry. Come on NBC, step up your game! Throw in a crime scene show at 9 pm like everyone else!
2) Next, and this has been bugging me for a while…Why the f**k do we as people feel the need to hold a door open for other people? Where on earth did we get the idea that this is a nice thing to do? Have you ever gotten to a door and said, “Man, I wish i didn’t have to f**kin open this, I wish someone would come along and shatter the glass with a Sherman Tank, so I could spritely hop through!!!” No. You haven’t. And neither have I. You know why? Because opening a door is f**kin nothing. It’s like sitting down, and it does not deserve a thank you if it’s done for you. It deserves a smack in the head like forgetting to drink your V8. If you’re gonna stop and take an extra 5 seconds to wait for someone just so they don’t have to push on glass with their fatigued little muscles all by their itty bitty selves, why dont you just follow them to their goddam car, unload their books for them, open their car door and bang on the hood and say safe travels as they drive away!? We aren’t toddlers here folks, we can open doors. Now, if you ever run into a little old lady with a walker who may actually benefit and you may save her a surgical hip replacement by holding the door, then yes, by all means, hold! But the days have past where I waste 5 seconds of everyday to hold a door.
3) The worst part of being blind would be the inability to understand attraction to the opposite sex. Could you imagine being unaware of what an amazing female body looks like? I don’t wanna meet the guy who doesn’t understand the joy one can receive from a nice set of tits.
4) Can we stop saying “Gypped” please? It’s completely racist!!! Last night I’m watching the news and a 15 year old girl is talking about how Winnipeg always gets “gypped” when it comes to good concerts coming to the city. So what you’re saying is that Winnipeg gets the short end of the deal much like one would if they had made a deal with a Gypsy? Well fuck you too. I can’t wait til Taz Stuart, the city’s entomologist comes on and tells how the mosquitoes have really been jewing us out this year. (I don’t know what that would mean, perhaps that the mosquitoes are getting all the good jobs?)
5) Why does Rob Zombie think he can reset a movie franchise back to number 1? John Carpenter started the Michael Myers murder tale entitled “Halloween” back in 1978, and he himself made several sequels to it, maybe 4 or 5. Then, in 1999, Jamie Lee Curtis and Josh Hartnett revamped the franchise with the worst film in the entire “Halloween” collection (and perhaps of all time), and called it “Halloween, H20: 20 years later”. Ok, at least that makes sense. Fast forward three years later, 2002: Rick Rosenthal decides to direct “Halloween: Resurrection” starring Busta Rhymes, Tyra Banks, Sean Patrick Thomas and a couple other MTV Video Award nominees. This one was awesome though. In one scene, the world thought that maybe none other than Busta Bus was going to take down the most feared and infamous horror villain in Hollywood of all time! Mr. Rhymes clutched Michael Myers’ throat with his basketball sized hand and the murderer was gasping for air. Busta’s dreads got in the way however, and he was brutally slashed open. And finally, a couple years ago, Techno-Metal musician Rob Zombie decided to direct an even newer version of “Halloween” after the success of his “Devil’s Rejects” film ( DR is fucking awesome, check it out if you haven’t seen it). And you know what? Zombie’s “Halloween” was pretty good too. The first 25 minutes when little Michael Myers is in his house on Halloween is one of the creepiest, rawest, most gruesome scenes in any horror movie I can recall. But you know what f**kin pissed me off? That Rob Zombie did not acknowledge the fact that his film had been made 20 times previously, once with Busta Rhymes. Zombie simply called his version “Halloween”. That’s it. No “resurrection”, no “the new chapter” no nuttin. This may seem like a ridiculous and unwarranted rant about mediocre movies, BUT, Zombie’s sequel comes out soon. Guess what it’s called? “Halloween 2”.
I think I’ve already seen that one.
6) On a lighter note, does anyone in the world get in the shower and THEN turn the water on? Hmm…
That’s all for now. Let me know if you have answers people, I’d LOVE to hear em.