This angry and hilarious rant comes courtesy of deadspin, the best sports/humor blog in the world (sorry kissingsuzykolber, you’re a close second). In case you don’t follow football, (american football), I’ll give you some background into the story so you can still appreciate this guy’s misery. The Buffalo Bills, a team who is famous for being snakebitten (they’ve been to 4 superbowls, won 0) beyond any definition of simple bad luck, opened their season monday night against the pride and joy of the NFL, the Tiger Woods of the NFL, the New England Patriots. These teams play in the same division and are thus heated rivals. But more importantly is the fact that the Bills are a poor football squad and have been for a while, and the Pats are consistently dominant, and this was Tom Brady’s first game back from knee surgery after missing the entire 08/09 season. SO, big things were expected. Anyway, the betting line was New England -10.5. That means New England was supposed to win this game by ten and a half points on paper. Oh how wrong the line was. Much to my dismay (I’m a Pats fan you see), New England never took the lead until the final 30 seconds (phew), and won the game by only one point. Buffallo fumbled late in the game and gave the Patriots the ball back when all the Bills had to do was sit on it. Of course Brady took advantage and threw a last minute touchdown. The Pats are now 1-0 as expected, and the Bills 0-1. I leave you with the words of disgruntled Bills Fan, Nate, from Deadspin:
Nate: It couldn’t have been the bloodbath we were all expecting. It just couldn’t have been! No, that would have been far too easy. I would have flicked the game off by halftime, shrugged the same apathetic shrug I’ve adopted for the last five or so years, maybe gotten a little work done, maybe smoked a bowl and played video games, all the while secure in knowing that the shell of bitter cynicism I’ve spent the last two decades building around myself is justified.
But no! Instead of giving me that kind of peace, this season opener had to be a perfect microcosm of 20 years’ worth of Bills fandom: expectations so low they barely exist, slowly brought to life by a performance strong enough to push the scarring, bitter memories aside; surprisingly competent play eliciting that wonderful childish rush of “ohmigod ohmigod ohmigod this might happen;” the momentary twinge of guilt for not believing all the while washed away by the next completed pass or forced punt; followed by the soul-crushing hollow when it’s all taken away, reminding you of how fair life isn’t, sending you scurrying back under your shell, muttering about another 7-9 season (if you’re lucky).
Leodis McKelvin is JP Losman’s “athleticism,” Doug Flutie’s futility, Drew Bledsoe’s immobility, Thurman Thomas’s lost helmet, Andre Reed’s temper tantrum, and Scott Norwood’s bad aim.
I’m sure it’s too late for the mailbag tomorrow, so I’m not even going to bother asking a question. All that I ask is for you to write funny things tomorrow, and the day after, and the day after that, and help me, yet again, to remember why the f**k I spent all summer waiting for this.
SERIOUSLY, OF ALL THE F**KING THINGS, SPECIAL TEAMS? THE BASTARD RED-HEADED STEPCHILD OF OFFENSE AND DEFENSE, THE ONE F**KING THING WE’RE USUALLY NOT F**KING TERRIBLE AT, THAT GIVES ANNOUNCERS SOMETHING TO TALK ABOUT DURING THOSE AWKWARD MOMENTS WHEN THEY REALIZE THEY HAVEN’T SAID ANYTHING NICE ABOUT THE BILLS FOR AN HOUR? WE HAD TO F**K THAT UP TOO? LEODIS MCKELVIN YOU EAT A BIG BAG OF DICKS. YOU EAT A BIG THROBBING F**KING BAG OF DICKS AND YOU CHOKE AND YOU DIE. F**K.
There you have it. Thanks again deadspin, and go Patriots!!!