Ok so during the Dale’s hiatus, a certain squeaky clean sports figure turned out to be a pretty big dirtbag. I have contemplated whether I should post about it or not, because at this point it’s old news, but came to the conclusion that it would be both appropriate and entertaining to give a quick rundown of the Dale’s opinion of each mistress.
Before we get started let me give my two cents on his wife. Yea. She’s a Swedish bikini model. But she is the shittiest Swedish bikini model I’ve ever seen. Shes nothing special AT ALL and my guess is that her performance between the sheets would be as entertaining as watching the sport her husband plays. So let’s look at which little birdy’s sunk his balls instead.
Rachel Uchitel – hotter than his wife, but sheeeeee looka lika men (Ms. Swan). Not in the realm you would expect for the richest sports personality in the world. Bit of a beak nose, blatantly fake rack and all around average broad. Her fake boobs make her seem more appealing but the Dale thinks fake boobs are cheating and should therefore not count in assessment of a broadsky. Arguably tigers best work though (and thats not saying much). Also accepted a fee rumoured to be around a mil to keep it quiet…added points
Holly Sampson – this endeavour makes me think that tiger probably didn’t get much action as an adolescent. The need to sleep with a blond pornstar with big fake boobs stems from hours of watching porn at home while the cool kids at school were out getting real action. Kanye west is another example of this. Losers who turn famous want to bang pornstars. It’s a proven fact. But still, tiger could have picked a hotter pornstar..I mean this girls tits look like something that you’d expect to see slung over a gym teachers shoulder walking into a dodgeball class. Weak game tiger.
Mindy Lawton – my god. What the HELL was he thinking?? Picks up this asshat serving pancakes at Perkins and brings her home to his marital bed to mate with her. This bitch looks like Animal from the muppets. I guarantee when she takes off her clothes it looks like she has Buckwheat in a figure four leglock. And to make matters worse… It would be a redheaded Buckwheat. Ew. Tiger must have wanted a girl with 0 self esteem that he could do all sorts of disgusting shit to. Gross.
The other mistresses basically blend into one another…cocktail waitress aspiring model blah blah blah. I’m pretty sure “aspiring model” just means unemployed. But anyway, yea. They are all average girls who do not justify the divorce settlement that tigger’s going to have to pay out.
So why the hell would he risk it all to sleep with broads like this…I mean just look at them! Even the hottest one is just a step above ditch-pig status….not worth it. But at the same time…just IMAGINE how goddamn boring his wife must be in bed. She’s apparently boring enough to push her husband into sleeping with Animal from the muppets. She may be a “Swedish bikini model” by title, but she is NOT the Swedish bikini model (SBM) that pubescent boys have wet dreams about. Tiger essentially got a SBM lemon. In fact, the Dale is convinced that there is more SBM essence in his proverbial left nut than there is in mrs woods’ whole body. Sucks for him. But at least he’s out of his contract and can upgrade to a better model (see what I did there). Judging by his track record he might want to hire a personal shopper this time.