Why the world needs Anime.

Ill start by quickly saying that if you’ve come across this page in hopes of reading about why anime is the most amazing thing on earth, you can fuck off right now. This is not written for you people. This is written for everyone else, those who are absolutely mindfucked as to how anime can be as popular as it is. The Dale, as always, has an opinion on the matter. So here we go.

I live next to a convention center. Often on weekends there are expositions, and the neighbourhood is filled with visitors and exhibitors walking around, shopping, taking in the sights etc etc etc. This is all fine and dandy, but its a very special time for me when the Anime convention comes to town. Now just imagine,  hundreds (literally hundreds) of pasty, gross white kids dressed up in handmade costumes (that you just know they’ve spent most of the year creating for this very day), walking around proud as fucking peacocks, strutting their stuff. I can sit at the window and watch this all day.

Anyway, as I was observing the anime freaks in their natural habitat (dressed up like assholes at an asshole convention), I realized there was a sense of confidence in these individuals that was not readily apparent in other circumstances. When you see an anime freak walking down the street or sitting on a train, they are usually looking down at the ground, daydreaming about Sailor Moon sitting on their face. But anime freaks at an anime convention seem to be a whole other animal. When they congregate in their masses, dressed up in their (exhaustively detailed) battle gear, these anime freaks act like they own the joint. They walk around laughing, quoting their favourite anime lines, complimenting each others costumes and comparing the size of their paper mache/cardboard weapons. They even swerve on anime freak girls!!! I heard some painfully pathetic (yet likely effective)  swerving going on when I was walking past groups of these fuckers.

Then it hit me. This little anime convention ecosystem is essential to OUR survival. The conventions serve as not only meeting places for like minded inviduals, but meeting places where these individuals can be whoever they want to be.  For example, Johnny is a 23 yr old introvert. Never talked to a girl in his life. Masturbates bi-hourly on a daily basis. Tortures small animals the rest of the time. Cant make friends, cant be normal, nothing. Then Johnny comes across an anime forum online. He joins the forum, acts on recommendation from other members and  and starts watching anime. Then Johhny goes to the anime convention dressed as some ripped, ninja-looking motherfucker from one of his favourite anime shows. Johnny is no longer Johnny. Johnny is ripped, ninja-looking motherfucker dude. His confidence is through the roof, he’s swerving on anime broads left right and center and boom! he ends up having some sort of weird, 7 second, fully clothed sexual experience. Johnny is no longer a virgin. Johnny might even have found a girlfriend. (Keep in mind this girlfriend would be an anime freak as well, likely in the exact same position as Johnny before the convention). Then these two freaks are well on their way to spawning a new generation of baby freaks.

Basically what im trying to say is that there seems to be alot more behind the popularity of anime than you’d initially think. People dont love it because its just THAT good (unlike Justin Bieber’s music). They love it because it gives them a sense of belonging. Anime is like a standardized interest for losers. If you’re a loser, can’t make friends if your life depended on it….get into anime. You will likely end up building confidence, making friends, getting laid and singing the Glee version of Midnight Train with another 20 or 30 freaks outside your hotel at night after an anime convention.

By now you might be saying ‘but wait, don’t we hate anime freaks? why would we benefit from them congregating and reproducing? why are these loser conventions essential to OUR survival?’. The answer, my friends, is simple. If these people did NOT have anime, and they did NOT have the conventions and costumes to boost their confidence and enhance their social lives, the stress from living amongst us normal people would likely turn many of them into sociopaths who would shoot up our schools and our workplaces and rape our women.

So thank you Japan, for sending us your weird, fucked up version of cartoons. The Dale is convinced that anime’s existence saves hundreds if not thousands of lives everyday. Think twice before you shoot down anime next time people, because some things, no matter how awful they are, are necessary for universal balance and harmony. Like abortion.


3 thoughts on “Why the world needs Anime.

  1. You should stop stereotyping people who like anime, you probably haven’t even watched more than a few episodes of anime in your life, and Sailor moon is old and un-professional. Spreading hate and insulting a culture you’ve never even been involved in is wrong, Anime today is more professional and better animated then ever before, with better plots, and it makes money with America as well. So spread your hate uncultured swine obsessed with media. And you should shuut up about social outcasts shooting u-p schools, bullies like you are the evil not us.

  2. This is why I am a closet anime fan. Care too much about my social standing. Not a chance in hell am I identifying with the average American anime fan. Took Japanese in high school and college with all the pasty-white, hairy, gross and awkward social outcast types. When asked by friends why I take Japanese I respond with my interests in regards to Japanese car culture and the fact that I am half-asian and the Thai language is not taught in most universities. The problem is that not enough normal Americans are willing to get into anime precisely because they don’t want to identify with the stereotypical anime freak. I’m sure there are many normal people who have an interest in anime that simply keep it to themselves.

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