All posts by RM Franks

Offseason Begins: Brett Favre Watch

By RM Franks

It’s that miserable time of year again.

The weather is consistently awful; students are right in the vortex of the black hole that is their academic life; the first round of American Idol is wrapping up (effectively putting an end to monumental “pants on the ground” type performances; valentine’s day is just around the corner to remind us yet again how devastating chocolate can be to our waistlines; and The Blindside starring Sandra Bullock and Tim McGraw received a Best Picture nomination for this year’s Oscars. Wow.

I was also snubbed for Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous

Not miserable yet? The NFL season is over. The Vikings did not win the Superbowl or the NFC. In fact they lost it in heartbreaking fashion. Wow? More like, duh.

But just as Chumbawumba says, “I get knocked down, but I get up again”, and despite the fact Viking Nation is still in mourning, the show must go on. Off-season activities and acquisitions can be just as crucial to a team’s success as on-field performance, and the Vikings are entering an enormous off-season, one in which several key players must decide if they want to come back to Minnesota. One player’s decision however is sure to attract more attention than any other’s (just as it has in the past). His name? Oh, uh, that number 4, the salt and pepper haired, gun-slingin, pill-poppin, Budweiser-sippin, just-havin-fun-out-there guy. What’s his name again?

It’s Favre. Brett Favre. And he’ll have his brewski shaken, not stirred.

Ah Kin Steel Play

The past two NFL off-seasons have been riddled with sleazy Brett Favre affairs fit for a chapter in the Tiger Woods biography. Let us reminisce.

After the 2007 NFC championship defeat to the Giants, Brett Favre left his longtime lover Mrs. Packer with whom he shared one of the most illustrious NFL careers (including two romantic Superbowl dates, one of which ended with a ring). The breakup killed Brett. He cried his eyes out but ultimately decided it was the best thing to do for both of them and he gave Ms. Packer the old, “You’ve been great, it’s not you it’s me” speech. Although devastated herself, Ms. Packer decided to move on.

A few uneventful months passed including training-camp, the time every NFL player admittedly dreads the most about their job, and surprise, Brett decided he wanted to come back. Without the obstacle of camp in the way, it was like Mrs. Packer had shed a few pounds, and suddenly seemed more appealing. “Ah kin steel play, Ah wona play, and bottom lan, Ah git ta do whatever Ah wont” Brett thought. But Ms. Packer had already given her heart to another man, the younger, quicker Aaron Rogers. She didn’t want anything to do with Brett and all of his baggage, and after all, Aaron Rogers was notorious for turning ‘tight ends’ into ‘wide receivers’.

So Brett decided to do what any reasonable man having a mid-life crisis over his “usefulness” would do: get drunk and go to New York! It was in the Big Apple that Brett found romance for the second time in the form of the Jets. Lady Liberty had been so abused in her long-term relationship with Chad Pennington that she was evidently fed up. It was time to try sleeping around for a season, experiment with older men, knowing that the best result would be a fun year but definitely nothing serious or long-term. Brett swept her off her feet with his mid-western charm and the promise that he was in it for the right reasons. The rest was history (and still is I suppose). However after a turbulent season, New Yorkers inevitably learned that Brett was a two-timing pig who only came to their troubled franchise because of how she looked during beach season, not her real personality. Thus, when Lady Liberty showed her true colors, Favre once again jetted into retirement (pun intended). Dedicated to family life, hunting, and coaching high-school football, Brett vowed he was done messing around for good.

Suddenly, something I call “the Jessica Biel effect” came into play. The Jessica Biel effect is essentially when a team so smoking hot comes around you just cannot say no. They’re simply that attractive, and that’s what the Minnesota Vikings were to Brett Favre. They were Jessica Biel.

Minnesota could offer Favre an offensive line that could protect him with confidence, one of the top two running-backs in the league to hand the ball off to, and overall a team that  could realistically win a Superbowl (not to mention 12 million dollars a year and the comfort of playing in a dome). Not surprisingly, Favre accepted. He and Jessica Biel immediately hit it off and he was putting it deep into her end-zone multiple times a week. The relationship was everything they thought it could be and more. Brett enjoyed a career season and Viking Nation enjoyed Brett. Despite the fact the season ended in gut-wrenching disappointment, anyone who watched this past NFC championship game knows that Favre played a good game and they lost that night as a team. Most of the blame should probably be placed on the rest of the squad’s fumbling problems.

Regardless, now comes the issue, the essence of this report. What to do now? What will Brett Favre decide to do after the best statistical season of his career? Let’s continue with the Jessica Biel metaphor to more closely examine. Sure, they had a fight. They let the New Orleans Saints come between them and they lost their tempers. But unlike in past relationships, it simply does not make sense for them to breakup for good. They need each other too much. After Favre left the Packers, they had a stud to turn the franchise over to. After his season with the Jets, it as well made sense for the team to release Favre as they had a young team, a new coach coming in, and an opportunity to draft a new quarterback and try to rebuild their franchise the right way, from inside out.

But the Vikings? If Favre leaves, they’ll be in the exact same situation they were a year ago: a team ripe with talent at every skill-position and no quarterback to fulfill their potential. Sure, they could draft one, but its not like they have a high draft pick. They could let Tarvaris Jackson takeover like Green Bay did with Rogers, but the difference there is that Tarvaris has already had an opportunity to start, and in case you don’t remember, he did not capitalize on it. Favre completely re-ignited the Viking franchise and had fans more excited than they were in the Randy Moss / Cris Carter days. Both the team and city of Minneapolis unarguably benefit from Brett Favre’s presence.

But the fact remains: Brett Favre is forty years old. Not 37, not 39, forty. The oldest quarterback to ever start a game in the NFL was Vinnie Testaverde at age 41, and that was an emergency call-up for one game. Favre would have to endure a whole season of sacks and hits as a guy in his forties.  Judging by that NFC championship game however, he could do it. (While I’ve never been a huge Favre advocate, his toughness in that game was astounding. Any other NFL quarterback likely would have been done by halftime.)

Brett, you have had three consecutive seasons end in heartbreak. If you quit now, your career will effectively end in heartbreak. This is the year it would actually make sense to come back. You’ve got a team who is easily a contender, 13 million dollars waiting for you, a whole lot of hungry Viking fans, and everyone knows you can still play at a high level.

Never in my life did I think I would utter these words (but then again, never in my life did I ever think Favre would be a Viking): Brett Favre, please come back.

A Post About Modern Day Slavery or Something

By RM Franks

Remember upon the conclusion of the American civil war when Abraham Lincoln “freed” the slaves? There’s an ideal in Western society that everyone has it equal, anyone can prosper, and opportunities for success can be grasped by anyone. Let me paint a picture for you.

I’m 21 years old. I’m sitting at home on my ass right now blogging away on my personal Macbook Pro that my dad bought for me for my 18th birthday. It’s a Sunday afternoon and I’m flipping between the NFL Pro Bowl and the red carpet show for the Grammy awards (problem?) on my 52 inch flat screen LCD tv, also bought my dad. Suddenly Lady GaGa’s speech my Peyton Manning highlights are interrupted by a honking fuckin snow-blower in my backyard. Who’s operating this snow-blower? Some guy. Some fuckin guy named Dennis, who most likely has a drinking problem (I would if I had to do what he does). Some guy my dad pays a few hundred bucks a season to come and blow the snow off of our driveway and out of our backyard so we, the royal family, can get our cars out without hassle, as well so there is a clear path to the garbage pickup in the back lane. Not that I’ll be taking out that garbage, for then what would the Filipino lady do when she is done cooking my grilled cheese and folding my laundry? I suppose there is always something to be done, my bong water hasn’t been changed in a while, and my ass could use a more thorough wiping, but all-in-all Estella is doing a good job.

Bottom line, although we don’t whip them, beat them and make them live on our plantations, many of us well-off folk have slaves. They don’t seem like slaves to us of course, and because sometimes they work so closely with one family we call them our nannies! We love them! I don’t mean love the services they provide (although we CERTAINLY enjoy those) but I mean often times we love them. We think of them as second parents. After all, they did spend more time with us than our real parents as little kids. They did our shopping, cooked for us, bathed us, took us to the park, and most of all, they loved us. How could these people be our slaves? Little did we know that 99% of these women have their OWN kids back in the Philippines the same age as us, and were instead giving their motherly love in return for a paycheck to send back home.

Hollywood of course didn't help the situation

Now before you start puking on your keyboards my disgusted readers, I of course am not proud of this; by no means am I bragging. Really, I feel awful about what I do, just not awful enough to actually do anything about it. I go to university a couple hours a day, but mainly my days are pretty relaxed and I would certainly have time to pickup a part time job. Will I? Fuck no. I have a Madden franchise to attend to. While my parents are certainly on my ass about picking up some type of employment to put a little extra money in my bank account and fill up my time, the activity of dropping of resumes in itself seems to do the trick. Now, here comes the point of this whole post.

I am applying to go away to school next year to a very well respected program where, if one graduates successfully, a decent career generally follows. (Of course there are no guarantees, but I’d certainly take my chances with school over becoming the executive grilled cheese chef to each community’s version of the Kardashians, or worse, be the child in Manilla who gets a postcard with a beaver on it once a year from his “nanny”/grilled-cheese chef mother working for a family in some city he does not know exists.) Anyway, to attend this school which is in a different city than where I currently live, I will of course need huge amounts of money every year for tuition, school supplies, a place to live, spending money for the essentials (use your imagination) and flights home to visit every long weekend (I’m jewish). If my parents could not afford to send me to privileged schools that are almost meal-tickets to good careers in themselves, I dont know what the fuck I would do. I’m nothing special, it’s not like I’d be some exception to the rule and overcome my socio-economic status like most rich people think they would. I guess I would be like Dennis’s son, pumping gas at the shell station until I was old enough to pickup a snow-blower and takeover the family business. My life and where I’ll end up was and is so dependent upon the simple trivial number that is the salary of my parents. Duh, obviously, I know. But if you think about it, it really is remarkable and humbling to realize that you have won the lottery just by being born into the situation that you were (not you person stuck under gumball machine in Haiti).

Sorry for the rant, but Dale has a guilty conscience. Getting a part time job could help, but that wouldn’t make anyone else’s life better, right? Just tell me I’m right so I can unpause my Tivo.

The Dale is Scared, Real Scared

Let me ask you something folks. Is your team 2 and 0 (take your time Titans fans)? Is your team coming off an extremely successful offseason where strategic acquirements were made on offense, defense, and coaching? Do you have a quarterback who looks very solid after these first two games, yet still has maybe anywhere from 5 to 8 years to reach his full potential (NO Raider nation, no)?  Do you have a brand new head coach who comes with the reputation of being one of if not THE TOP defensive coordinator in the NFL? Well, I may have just given it away. I can hear it now and I could hear it on Sunday: J! E! T! S! JETS! JETS! JETS!!!!
I LOVE THE DALE!!!!!!!
I LOVE THE DALE!!!!!!!

Man does it kill me to say this, because as you know, the dale’s heart belongs to the New England Patriots (who play in the same goddam division), but the New York Jets look good. They look scary good.  They beat the Patriots last sunday 16-9 and allowed 0 touchdowns, the first time that’s happened to Brady and co since November 2006. Rookie QB Mark Sanchez on the other hand, threw a touchdown when he had to and was extraordinary on third down. This kid can play. Dont get it twisted though, like almost all great teams, the Jets rely on the defense.

Rex Ryan, the new Jets  head coach is best known for being the defensive mastermind behind the Baltimore Ravens for the past 10 years or so. But this off- season, Rex moved into the fancy office in NYC. But he brought his defense with him. Darrell Revis, a starting Cornerback for the Jets has held Randy Moss and Andre Johnson to under 40 yards apiece! Randy Moss tore this defense to shreds last season with Matt Cassell under center, but clearly Rex knows a thing or two about recognizing and using defensive talent. The pressure this defensive unit applies is also scary. Tom Brady hasn’t looked as uncomfortable as he did on sunday since he was on Entourage (that was actually pretty recently I guess). Rex learned defense from his father, Buddy Ryan, the coordinator for the 85 Bears (the best defense in the history of the NFL) and Superbowl champs. If things stay the same, it looks as if the Jets could be headed down a similar road.

 

Ryan also runs a 4.50 100m dash and has a 42 inch vertical
Ryan also runs a 4.50 100m dash and has a 42 inch vertical

Anyone see the Bills/Patriots Monday Nighter Last Week? This guy did…

pats helmet: "Oh hey"  bills helmet: "Oh hey"
Pat and Bill

This angry and hilarious rant comes courtesy of deadspin, the best sports/humor blog in the world (sorry kissingsuzykolber, you’re a close second). In case you don’t follow football, (american football), I’ll give you some background into the story so you can still appreciate this guy’s misery. The Buffalo Bills, a team who is famous for being snakebitten (they’ve been to 4 superbowls, won 0) beyond any definition of simple bad luck, opened their season monday night against the pride and joy of the NFL, the Tiger Woods of the NFL, the New England Patriots. These teams play in the same division and are thus heated rivals. But more importantly is the fact that the Bills are a poor football squad and have been for a while, and the Pats are consistently dominant, and this was Tom Brady’s first game back from knee surgery after missing the entire 08/09 season. SO, big things were expected.  Anyway, the betting line was New England -10.5. That means New England was supposed to win this game by ten and a half points on paper. Oh how wrong the line was. Much to my dismay (I’m a Pats fan you see), New England never took the lead until the final 30 seconds (phew), and won the game by  only one point. Buffallo fumbled late in the game and gave the Patriots the ball back when all the Bills had to do was sit on it. Of course Brady took advantage and threw a last minute touchdown. The Pats are now 1-0 as expected, and the Bills 0-1. I leave you with the words of  disgruntled Bills Fan, Nate, from Deadspin:

Nate: It couldn’t have been the bloodbath we were all expecting. It just couldn’t have been! No, that would have been far too easy. I would have flicked the game off by halftime, shrugged the same apathetic shrug I’ve adopted for the last five or so years, maybe gotten a little work done, maybe smoked a bowl and played video games, all the while secure in knowing that the shell of bitter cynicism I’ve spent the last two decades building around myself is justified.

But no! Instead of giving me that kind of peace, this season opener had to be a perfect microcosm of 20 years’ worth of Bills fandom: expectations so low they barely exist, slowly brought to life by a performance strong enough to push the scarring, bitter memories aside; surprisingly competent play eliciting that wonderful childish rush of “ohmigod ohmigod ohmigod this might happen;” the momentary twinge of guilt for not believing all the while washed away by the next completed pass or forced punt; followed by the soul-crushing hollow when it’s all taken away, reminding you of how fair life isn’t, sending you scurrying back under your shell, muttering about another 7-9 season (if you’re lucky).

Leodis McKelvin is JP Losman’s “athleticism,” Doug Flutie’s futility, Drew Bledsoe’s immobility, Thurman Thomas’s lost helmet, Andre Reed’s temper tantrum, and Scott Norwood’s bad aim.

I’m sure it’s too late for the mailbag tomorrow, so I’m not even going to bother asking a question. All that I ask is for you to write funny things tomorrow, and the day after, and the day after that, and help me, yet again, to remember why the f**k I spent all summer waiting for this.

SERIOUSLY, OF ALL THE F**KING THINGS, SPECIAL TEAMS? THE BASTARD RED-HEADED STEPCHILD OF OFFENSE AND DEFENSE, THE ONE F**KING THING WE’RE USUALLY NOT F**KING TERRIBLE AT, THAT GIVES ANNOUNCERS SOMETHING TO TALK ABOUT DURING THOSE AWKWARD MOMENTS WHEN THEY REALIZE THEY HAVEN’T SAID ANYTHING NICE ABOUT THE BILLS FOR AN HOUR? WE HAD TO F**K THAT UP TOO? LEODIS MCKELVIN YOU EAT A BIG BAG OF DICKS. YOU EAT A BIG THROBBING F**KING BAG OF DICKS AND YOU CHOKE AND YOU DIE. F**K.

There you have it. Thanks again deadspin, and go Patriots!!!

Real Time With Bill Maher: The most honest show on TV…Until Jay-Z came on anyway

An Atheist's God
An Atheist's God

Watching HBO’s Real Time with Bill Maher is like a glimpse into another world. Most of us, scratch that, some of us, understand this world: Very well educated and well read people get together in a studio and discuss the issues currently troubling our population. It’s not complicated, but it is complex and innovative considering the state of television today. But Real Time is not a news show, it is not a talk show, it is not an “anything” show. It is simply intelligent people speaking their minds with absolutely no censor. And it is the most worthwhile thing on tv right now (at least until season 7 of Curb your Enthusiasm starts).

Maher’s show is formatted like a mix of The Daly Show, The Tonight Show (with Johnny Carson) and The View (minus the clucking hens). He begins with a monologue which is almost always funny, yes, funny, and then has either a single guest on or a panel of people on to discuss current events. The people are usually involved in political media or journalism, or even just some politically charged people from the entertainment industry, but the one thing all of the guests on Real Time have in common is that they have a brain. Ashton Kutcher is by far the stupidest person I’ve ever seen on this show, and it’s not like he pulled a Kanye West or anything, he was just out of his league a little when the conversation turned towards American foreign policy. But hey, so was I. (Sidenote: Pulling a Kanye West now refers to completely embarrassing yourself out of stupidity).

Most of the guests Bill gets follow the lead of the host himself. Maher is one of the most laid back, casual, yet ambitious men on television. He works based on a principle that we see far too little of these days in our society: Logic. Bill Maher breaks down every situation from Obama’s stimulus package and proposed legalization of marijuana to the Octomom controversy and Brett Favre, and simply applies logic to the situation, then speaks his mind. He has no other agenda getting in his way other than logic and honesty. It’s rather refreshing.

One of the things Billy Boy is famous for is denouncing religion so publicly. He has offended millions of people with his views on how any organized religion is not only childish and cult-like, but downright dangerous and responsible for many of the world’s conflicts. He is so passionate about his anti-religious views, he even made a movie about it, Religulous, with HBO director Larry Charles (Borat, Entourage). Anyway, I digress. On Real Time, great, tense moments routinely arise because someone on the show will say something like “God Forbid another terrorist attack happens on American soil blah blah blah” and Bill will just kind of stop, acknowledge the fact the guy said “GOD” forbid, and make a wisecrack about how “Yeah, Santa Claus was really doing all he could to stop those planes from hitting the buildings” and the audience, who is most likely all atheist, laughs hysterically. You see Maher hates anything credited to religion and hates anyone putting any faith in anything other than human logic and what is testable. And he will tell his guests this time and time again, no matter who they are. The best is when he gets someone very liberal on the show who actually agrees with him  (Sarah Silverman for example) and they really hit it off. Bill Maher told Sarah Silverman that he really admired an episode of The Sarah Silverman Show when she did a 9/11 spoof and had all these arab people falling out of buildings or something unclear like that. Silverman sat there for about 3 seconds silently, smiled, and then said “Well Bill I made it fun again!” She made 9/11 fun again. Only on Real Time I tell you.  (The audience of course “ooooh’d”, but that was it. Everything goes on this show.) Check it out, she is actually HILARIOUS.

They then got to talking about how they once met at the Playboy Mansion and snuck out to the backyard to smoke a joint together. This is Bill Maher and Sarah Silverman we are talking about…at the Playboy Mansion…smoking marijuana cigarettes together….like, weird?  Yes, but fascinating!!! And this is the kind of shit you get on Real Time on a weekly basis: A glimpse into how smart, famous, educated people live their lives. (Sidenote: Maher is a huge marijuana advocate, constantly talks about getting high, and the guests he has on constantly make fun of him for it and it provides amazing entertainment. This comforts the Dale for a variety of reasons). If Sarah Silverman and Bill Maher hangin out and smokin weed together isn’t intriguing enough for you, how about Mos Def and Salmon Rushdie hitting it off!

Once again, only on Real Time.

Type in Real Time on youtube and hours of entertainment AND education will ensue, I promise, no matter who the guest or panel is. Last week though, something interesting happened. The Jigga man, aka Jay-Z, walked onto Real Time and it became very clear very quickly that Maher had pledged his allegiance to RocNation years ago. He was quoting lyrics from Reasonable Doubt, the original Blueprint and telling Jay-Z how infatuated he was with his recording style of not writing anything down. But then, Bill told Jay he had a gift for him. Because Jay-Z does not write down any of his lyrics, Bill thought THIS would be a good gift (fast forward to 1:55). Enjoy  this clip too, Maher asks Jay-Z great questions and gets him to speak on Kanye and many other people.

While Bill did kiss Jay-Z’s ass forty times over in that segment, the show remains awesome. I probably would have kissed Jay-Z’s ass too though. I mean come on, it’s Jay-Z, and the fact that Bill Maher is cool enough to at least know who’s cool, well, that’s cool with me.

Dale’s Thoughts…

Need some food for thought?  Enjoy 6 very random things currently troubling the Dale…

1) NBC has THREE evening talkshows going on right now. Thats SIX meaningless guests and THREE shitty musical acts. Monday to Friday. Like, Come on!!! I thought when Jay Leno got moved to primetime he would at least lose Kevin Eubanks and his barrage of different Philadelphia sports franchises’ hats. But no, Kev is still there bendin strings and supporting shitty teams on international television. And  still LAUGHING INTO THE MICROPHONE. What a job. Then Conan comes on and tries oh so hard not to look like a carrot, and THEN Jimmy Fallon!  ..Which might I add is the closest thing to treading water in the shallow end as one gets in the tv industry. Come on NBC, step up your game! Throw in a crime scene show at 9 pm like everyone else!

Where the fuck is my Eagles hat...
Where the f**k is my Eagles hat...

2) Next, and this has been bugging me for a while…Why the f**k do we as people feel the need to hold a door open for other people? Where on earth did we get the idea that this is a nice thing to do? Have you ever gotten to a door and said, “Man, I wish i didn’t have to f**kin open this, I wish someone would come along and shatter the glass with a Sherman Tank, so I could spritely hop through!!!” No. You haven’t. And neither have I. You know why? Because opening a door is f**kin nothing. It’s like sitting down, and it does not deserve a thank you if it’s done for you. It deserves a smack in the head like forgetting to drink your V8. If you’re gonna stop and take an extra 5 seconds to wait for someone just so they don’t have to push on glass with their fatigued little muscles all by their itty bitty selves, why dont you just follow them to their goddam car, unload their books for them, open their car door and bang on the hood and say safe travels as they drive away!? We aren’t toddlers here folks, we can open doors. Now, if you ever run into a little old lady with a walker who may actually benefit and you may save her a surgical hip replacement by holding the door, then yes, by all means, hold! But the days have past where I waste 5 seconds of everyday to hold a door.

3) The worst part of being blind would be the inability to understand attraction to the opposite sex. Could you imagine being unaware of what an amazing female body looks like? I don’t wanna meet the guy who doesn’t understand the joy one can receive from a nice set of tits.

4) Can we stop saying “Gypped” please? It’s completely racist!!! Last night I’m watching the news and a 15 year old girl is talking about how Winnipeg always gets “gypped” when it comes to good concerts coming to the city. So what you’re saying is that Winnipeg gets the short end of the deal much like one would if they had made a deal with a Gypsy? Well fuck you too. I can’t wait til Taz Stuart, the city’s entomologist comes on and tells how the mosquitoes have really been jewing us out this year. (I don’t know what that would mean, perhaps that the mosquitoes are getting all the good jobs?)

5) Why does Rob Zombie think he can reset a movie franchise back to number 1? John Carpenter started the Michael Myers murder tale entitled “Halloween” back in 1978, and he himself made several sequels to it, maybe 4 or 5. Then, in 1999, Jamie Lee Curtis and Josh Hartnett revamped the franchise with the worst film in the entire “Halloween” collection (and perhaps of all time), and called it “Halloween, H20: 20 years later”. Ok, at least that makes sense.  Fast forward three years later, 2002: Rick Rosenthal decides to direct “Halloween: Resurrection” starring Busta Rhymes, Tyra Banks, Sean Patrick Thomas and a couple other MTV Video Award nominees. This one was awesome though. In one scene, the world thought that maybe none other than Busta Bus was going to take down the most feared and infamous horror villain in Hollywood of all time!  Mr. Rhymes clutched Michael Myers’ throat with his basketball sized hand and the murderer was gasping for air. Busta’s dreads got in the way however, and he was brutally slashed open.  And finally, a couple years ago, Techno-Metal musician Rob Zombie decided to direct an even newer version of “Halloween” after the success of his “Devil’s Rejects” film ( DR is fucking awesome, check it out if you haven’t seen it). And you know what? Zombie’s “Halloween” was pretty good too. The first 25 minutes when little Michael Myers is in his house on Halloween is one of the creepiest, rawest, most gruesome scenes in any horror movie I can recall. But you know what f**kin pissed me off? That Rob Zombie did not acknowledge the fact that his film had been made 20 times previously, once with Busta Rhymes. Zombie simply called his version “Halloween”. That’s it. No “resurrection”, no “the new chapter” no nuttin. This may seem like a ridiculous and unwarranted rant about mediocre movies, BUT, Zombie’s sequel comes out soon. Guess what it’s called? “Halloween 2”.

I think I’ve already seen that one.

The videobox for the original Halloween. Like the first original one. The real one. The one from 1978 aight?
The videobox for the original Halloween. Like the first original one. The real one. The one from 1978 aight?

6) On a lighter note, does anyone in the world get in the shower and THEN turn the water on? Hmm…

That’s all for now. Let me know if you have answers people, I’d LOVE to hear em.

The Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus…Controversy and, well, Creepiness


Terry Gilliam and Heath Ledger

Upon first glance, I’m sure that the title above means nothing to you (unless you’re a film dork like myself). But allow your trustee DailyDale correspondent to fill you in. The Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus is currently the most talked about and controversial film coming out of Hollywood right now. The reason for the controversy is two-fold: First, the films protagonist, Tony, is played by Heath Ledger. As we all know, Heath suffered an untimely and mysterious death last summer right around the time the Dark Knight was released, making his Joker interpretation all the more creepy. He was in the middle of filming this movie (Parnassus) when he passed. This my friends, is called a dilemma. So, wild and whacky Terry Gilliam, who’s responsible for celluloid trips (weird movies) such as Brazil, 12 Monkeys, and Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas just happens to be Parnassus’s director and co-writer. Long story short? This pretentious bastard decided it would work to show the audience multiple sides of the character, and use a different actor for each “side”. Thus, the film employs four different actors to play the same guy. Gillaim claims this works perfectly as art and for the story’s sake, everyone else smells a dead-actor cover-up.

That my friends, is just the first reason why this movie is causing so much controversy. By the way, when I say controversy what I mean is that now that this film has been made and edited, no distributor in the United States wants to touch it. But why you ask? Wouldn’t everyone be rushing to see Heath’s final film? Won’t that be the number one selling point, that this is Heath Ledger’s last body of work, and thus every distributor should be lining up for it like they did for The Dark Knight? Normally, yes. That should be the case. But, and boy is this a big, fat, Oprah BUT, but what if i told you that the first time you see “Tony” (the Heath character) in this movie he’s hanging by his neck from a noose attached to the London Bridge? Would that be a creepy image to give audiences, perhaps a little too much, when the last time this man was making headlines it was for his death which could have been a suicide? This would be like if Michael Jackson was in the middle of recording an album when he died, and the album came out today with the title track called “If I die from too many pharmaceuticals”. Creeeeeeppppyyyyyyy.
So here’s what we have: A Terry Gillam directed movie (always a gamble to begin with) where the lead actor who died mid shoot is seen hanging from a noose in the first scene, and throughout the rest of the movie is replaced with three alter-egos played by Johnny Depp, Colin Farrell and Jude Law. So hey, at least Gillaim picked inexpensive actors!!! (Why do the alter-egos have to be sexy? Couldnt they have casted Andy Dick or Philip Seymour Hoffman? I don’t think my alter-ego is 6’3, blonde with a six-pack)

Anyway, perhaps now you can understand why no distributor in their right mind wants to touch this gamble. But, the fact remains that Heath Ledger was an unbelievably talented, dedicated and versatile actor. For that reason alone I think this movie deserves to be seen. If Parnassus never gets released, Heath’s lasting body of work would be a nut-job clown who makes me shit my pants whenever he opens his mouth. Word on the street is “Tony” in The Imaginarium is a human character with human emotions and someone to identify with. I’d like to see one more of those roles with Heath, I sure as hell identified with him in A Knight’s Tale. And Brokeback. I could do this all day…


Heath in The Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus

Tom Brady: The Most Underrated Player in Football?


I hate to publish this article because it kind of hints to the good pals in my fantasy football league how high I value the guy, but Tom Brady IS the most underrated player in fantasy football this season, and in turn, football alone.
Lets talk facts. Everyone knows about the three superbowls, everyone knows about the near perfect season and the superbowl disaster, but it really seems to me lately like people forget that the last time this man played a full season of football, he broke the touchdown record. Threw fuckin 50. Everyone said Randy Moss would be a big bust and do just what he did in Oakland, but no. He ALSO broke the touchdown record. 23. This is the exact same offense taking the field next season, the only difference being a year of experience under their belt. Here’s a fitting picture.

The haters? Well the haters like to talk about how a big injury like the one Brady suffered last season from Chiefs defensive linemen Bernard Pollard changes a QB’s comfort level in the pocket and mentally puts him on edge. Sure, I can buy it for some. But come on people, this guy stepped in midseason back in 2001 when Bledsoe suffered a nasty hit. With virtually no starts under his belt Tom decided to win a superbowl. Oh, and what’s this? He’s won two more since then you say? Well fuck, this guy really is amazing. He’s arguably the best quarterback to ever play the game of football (unarguably in my mind but whatever)! Do you really think he’s going to be mentally “on-edge” from this knee injury? Doubtful. Tom Brady’s middle name is clutch, I don’t care how many times he tells you it’s Kenneth.
That said, am I really supposed to take Drew Brees over Tom? Really? Granted, Brees almost broke 5000 yards last season and Marino’s record, but he has no go to receiver (check your stat sheets if Marques Colston just popped into your head). The run game seems to be improving in New Orleans with the emergence of Pierre Thomas as well and Sean Payton has said publicly he would like to see Drew’s passing numbers come down a little bit as long as the rushing ones shoot up in return. Take the load off Ol’ Drew.
Brady did just acquire Fred Taylor and the Pats running game is looking stronger than even the Corey Dillon days, (especially if they can sign Benjarvus to an extension), but this only serves to open up Moss and Welker more. This argument does not apply to the Saints because I said so.
I have even seen some Fantasy mock drafts where Brady is behind Peyton Manning. Now Brees I can understand, but why don’t you just go ahead and draft Jamarcus Russell before brady too you idiots.

In his personal life, Brady gets to be the horse in the picture below, every night.

Sooo. Yeahhh.

By the way, this preseason so far Brady has looked nothing but great. He’s already found Moss for a deep td, taken a few hits, and looked fucking phenomenal moving around that pocket. Other NFL QB’s would be lucky as hell to have Brady’s bad knee as their good one. Bold? Like a blackberry muhfuckas.

To all my fantasy football friends: I value Brady really low and don’t like him, won’t even take him probably.

Inglourious Basterds: Quentin Tarantino takes a baseball bat to the audience’s head!!!

In the trailer for Inglourious Basterds, we see a scene where a petrified German soldier is about to have his head bashed in by a wooden baseball bat at the hands of one of the “Basterds”. This, my friends, is a perfect metaphor for what the movie itself is like. If you know Tarantino movies at all, you know that all of his films exhibit certain qualities that could be called signature Tarantino. And in this movie, he takes his bag of tricks and fuckin bashes them into your head.

Fortunately, QT is one of the most original, badass and captivating filmmakers to ever live, and the film itself proves to share these qualities with its mad-scientist director. The movie plays out like several different stories, that in the end all combine into one (sound familiar Pulp Fiction fans?), and of course they all revolve around World War 2. But never have I seen a “World War 2” film with less cliché scenes. This movie actually has no battle scenes, no explosions, no tanks, no bazookas. Just Hitler, Brad Pitt, a Nazi movie premier gone wrong, and a whole lot of whacky dialogue. That’s all I’ll say in terms of what actually happens, its your goddam job to watch the movie.

I will say this though, it’s good to see that Tarantino is still willing to use film as an experiment, not simply a money grab. In a recent GQ article Quentin noted that “right now is my time to make movies. I don’t want a kid, I don’t want a wife etc. Because that would take away from me making movies. It’s not a job. Not at all is this a job. It’s a passion. When this becomes a job, I’ll stop.”

I hope Angelina's makin lasagna tonight....

Is Basterds a masterpiece like the last line of the film suggests (you’ll see what I’m talking about)? No. Is it as good as Pulp Fiction? No. Is it an interesting and profound movie about people, our weird obsessions, violence, war, and way better than 99% of other movies playing in your multiplex right now? You bet your ass it is. Go see it dorks.

Welcome Friends!!!

Welcome to the Daily Dale, your one stop shop for movies, music, games, news, health, sports, culture, boobies, entertainment, and a guaranteed great daily read! How do we guarantee it? If you don’t like what you’re reading, simply click the “x” in the corner of your browser (top right or top left depending on mac or pc) and you’ll immediately be redirected to something else (most likely to your wallpaper photo of Kobe Bryant, a new Ferrari, or a picture of you and your gay ass girlfriend doing something gay. And by gay I of course mean straight.)

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So, now that the red tape is outta the way, wanna know what I’m doing right now? Eating delicious pizza from Salty’s Restaurant in Winnipeg Beach, Canada. For those of you out there who have had the pleasure of enjoying this delicacy of a pie, it’s baked on a heavenly, cloud-like phyllo crust that would have the philadelphia cream cheese whore rubbin her tweet tweet. I enjoy the sausage and green pepper or classic pepperoni. But believe me, before you die, hit Salty’s.
such a slut
On my 52 inch Sharp Aquos LCD television, I am currently enjoying some NFL network. My draft is this sunday and fuck am I excited. By the way friends, for all sports updates please direct your attention to http://www.beerswithboggs.com, an affiliate of our page and a true goldmine in the sports blog world.
Thanks for reading, and look forward to lots of insightful, sometimes random, and often hilarious takes on this crazy world we live in.
“In such an unpredictable life, ye can always have faith in some fuckin great shit from the daily dale.”  – William Shakespeare, 1504
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