Category Archives: Funny

Tiger Would pt 2.

ok so I just watched Tiger Woods’ press conference. If you missed it, its basically him saying exactly what you’d expect him to, apologizing to everyone (and trying to be as sincere as possible by creepily staring into the camera), asking the press to respect his privacy, and letting us know he’s going back into therapy. It then ends with him hugging each of the people in the front row (His mom and his wife’s mom being two of those people). So on the surface, it looked like Tiger was following the respectful, mature path of dealing with his “problem”.



But Dale sees right through that bullshit. What I saw was a guy who got caught with his hand in the cookie jar (or several cookie jars for that matter), sheepishly taking the easy way out. By admitting that railing every waitress/club promoter/aspiring model in sight  was a result of a sex addiction, all seems to be well and good.

Although I get that the first step to successful recovery is admitting that you have a problem, I really don’t think this is what Tiger was doing. I honestly do not think he sincerely thinks what he did was wrong. And that’s because (biologically), it isn’t.

We men are genetically programmed to be polygamists, yet society’s norms have essentially cockblocked us from fulfilling what we were meant to do. Marriage and monogamy is a sociological phenomenon, and this is really the only reason why we consider Tiger’s behaviour as being offensive. If he did this in an islamic state, it would be a completely different scenario. Women, on the other hand, are genetically predisposed to monogamy, as they are programmed to find a suitable mate that can take care of them and their young, and stick with that mate. (don’t bitch at me for being sexist, read the goddamn literature for yourself).

So Tiger has to go through two months of rehab in order to save his marriage, after slaying everything with a hole and a heartbeat for the last half decade. Big deal. He’s a perfectly intelligent person who has realized that sex addiction is his golden ticket out of the dog house. But how can all you people be dumb enough to believe that? If they found a computer filled with terabytes of porn pictures, or he spent 7-8 hours a day in front of a computer with his twig n berries out looking at porn, then ok…sex addiction. But being the highest paid athlete in the world and cashing in on the benefits? The Dale thinks that is the farthest thing from sex addiction. I think that’s the result of having a boring wife at home, liking hot women, and having these hot women falling all over you because of your status. Sounds pretty fucking normal to me. To be in that position and have the willpower to say no is not admirable, its stupid. You only live once.

So the Dale says: Good on Tiger for finding a solution to the problem, and shame on all the rest of you for believing that tagging the word “addiction” onto the back of anything makes it forgivable.

If that’s the case, then Dale has a Hating fat girls addiction. Don’t be mad……I’m addicted.

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A Post About Modern Day Slavery or Something

By RM Franks

Remember upon the conclusion of the American civil war when Abraham Lincoln “freed” the slaves? There’s an ideal in Western society that everyone has it equal, anyone can prosper, and opportunities for success can be grasped by anyone. Let me paint a picture for you.

I’m 21 years old. I’m sitting at home on my ass right now blogging away on my personal Macbook Pro that my dad bought for me for my 18th birthday. It’s a Sunday afternoon and I’m flipping between the NFL Pro Bowl and the red carpet show for the Grammy awards (problem?) on my 52 inch flat screen LCD tv, also bought my dad. Suddenly Lady GaGa’s speech my Peyton Manning highlights are interrupted by a honking fuckin snow-blower in my backyard. Who’s operating this snow-blower? Some guy. Some fuckin guy named Dennis, who most likely has a drinking problem (I would if I had to do what he does). Some guy my dad pays a few hundred bucks a season to come and blow the snow off of our driveway and out of our backyard so we, the royal family, can get our cars out without hassle, as well so there is a clear path to the garbage pickup in the back lane. Not that I’ll be taking out that garbage, for then what would the Filipino lady do when she is done cooking my grilled cheese and folding my laundry? I suppose there is always something to be done, my bong water hasn’t been changed in a while, and my ass could use a more thorough wiping, but all-in-all Estella is doing a good job.

Bottom line, although we don’t whip them, beat them and make them live on our plantations, many of us well-off folk have slaves. They don’t seem like slaves to us of course, and because sometimes they work so closely with one family we call them our nannies! We love them! I don’t mean love the services they provide (although we CERTAINLY enjoy those) but I mean often times we love them. We think of them as second parents. After all, they did spend more time with us than our real parents as little kids. They did our shopping, cooked for us, bathed us, took us to the park, and most of all, they loved us. How could these people be our slaves? Little did we know that 99% of these women have their OWN kids back in the Philippines the same age as us, and were instead giving their motherly love in return for a paycheck to send back home.

Hollywood of course didn't help the situation

Now before you start puking on your keyboards my disgusted readers, I of course am not proud of this; by no means am I bragging. Really, I feel awful about what I do, just not awful enough to actually do anything about it. I go to university a couple hours a day, but mainly my days are pretty relaxed and I would certainly have time to pickup a part time job. Will I? Fuck no. I have a Madden franchise to attend to. While my parents are certainly on my ass about picking up some type of employment to put a little extra money in my bank account and fill up my time, the activity of dropping of resumes in itself seems to do the trick. Now, here comes the point of this whole post.

I am applying to go away to school next year to a very well respected program where, if one graduates successfully, a decent career generally follows. (Of course there are no guarantees, but I’d certainly take my chances with school over becoming the executive grilled cheese chef to each community’s version of the Kardashians, or worse, be the child in Manilla who gets a postcard with a beaver on it once a year from his “nanny”/grilled-cheese chef mother working for a family in some city he does not know exists.) Anyway, to attend this school which is in a different city than where I currently live, I will of course need huge amounts of money every year for tuition, school supplies, a place to live, spending money for the essentials (use your imagination) and flights home to visit every long weekend (I’m jewish). If my parents could not afford to send me to privileged schools that are almost meal-tickets to good careers in themselves, I dont know what the fuck I would do. I’m nothing special, it’s not like I’d be some exception to the rule and overcome my socio-economic status like most rich people think they would. I guess I would be like Dennis’s son, pumping gas at the shell station until I was old enough to pickup a snow-blower and takeover the family business. My life and where I’ll end up was and is so dependent upon the simple trivial number that is the salary of my parents. Duh, obviously, I know. But if you think about it, it really is remarkable and humbling to realize that you have won the lottery just by being born into the situation that you were (not you person stuck under gumball machine in Haiti).

Sorry for the rant, but Dale has a guilty conscience. Getting a part time job could help, but that wouldn’t make anyone else’s life better, right? Just tell me I’m right so I can unpause my Tivo.

Protesters? What Protesters?

rioting

Today Pittsburgh played host to the beginning of the two day G20 summit, where the 20 world leaders of  industrialized nations met to discuss economic trade policies. Outside the walls of this ever important meeting there was chaos, as protesters marched the street, dressed in all black. Hundreds of police in full riot gear were patrolling on foot, on pedal, and even on horseback, utilizing various techniques to keep the protesters at bay. These techniques included tear gas canisters, non lethal bean bag shots and a new device called a sound cannon, which, up until today has never been used publicly. The sound cannon is a device which emits high pitched beeps, not unlike a car alarm, that aim to debilitate protesters or rioters by using sound as a weapon. Hence the name sound cannon. Well, it worked a charm, as you can see in the video.

In fact, all their techniques worked a charm. This entire day has been a constant assault on the violent protesters, who’s piece de la resistance was rolling a dumpster down the street….and not hitting anything or anyone. Police basically had a field day, playing with their new police toys and using the protesters as their guinea pigs, while the protesters didn’t even get close to within the security perimeter surrounding the G20 meeting. People came from far and wide to protest this meeting taking place, most of them believing that 20 people do not have the right to make decisions for billions of people. Well, idiots…you’re wrong. These people are world leaders for a reason, and you guys are a bunch of douchebags in black bandannas who have nothing better to do on a Thursday afternoon for a reason as well. If these protesters were a little more intelligent, and a little less gung-ho, they might have realized that none of their actions would have any impact on the meeting whatsoever. And they didn’t. Even though protesters were out in the masses, the world leaders sat comfortably in their reclining office chairs, drinking room temperature water out of dainty glass pitchers while they chatted about how much George W. f**ked up how to go up and out of this economic recession that has plagued the entire world over the last year. They couldn’t care less about the college students running amok outside, thinking they were playing real life Call of Duty without weapons.

Which brings me to my question….why bother? The New York Times interviewed one college kid who had driven 16 hours from Pensacola, Florida with 3 friends to join in the protests. He is quoted as saying “The fact that 20 or so individuals right now are determining economic trade policies for four to five billion people just isn’t right…That’s why we’re here.”. Well while you were there, what exactly did you do about it? Do you think any of the world leaders knew that Trevor Griffith, from the University of West Florida, was outside in the streets disagreeing with what they were doing? No. Not even the world leaders assistants knew about Mr. Griffith. Or the assistant’s assistants. Or even the people who were refilling the lukewarm water pitchers. No one knew at all…because they didn’t care. These individuals, as well as so many others wasted their time and effort for absolutely no reason, other than to be target practice for trigger happy police. Again, I repeat…why bother? Whats that? You raise awareness about your cause to the people watching the news at home? Well I was one of those people, and I was sitting back with a nice cold drink in my left hand with a smile on my face, eagerly watching, hoping to get a glimpse of a protester getting hit in the face with a beanbag. The only thing that I became aware of today? The police have a sweet new riot control toy called a sound cannon, which sends you little runts running away in agony, desperately clutching your ears hoping to drown some of that awful noise out. I can understand, it was a little loud for me too…but i just turned down the volume on my TV a bit. These are people who cannot find fulfillment in other facets of life, therefore need to become self-righteous for some cause or another in order to feel important. Girlfriend’s are generally out of the question for this breed, unless their girlfriend’s are closet lesbians fighting for the same cause, but they don’t count, because these are the type of girls that close their eyes and pretend their greasy, dreadlocked, activist boyfriends are actually girls with strap-on’s if and when intercourse takes place. Friends, hobbies and employment are usually secondary to “the cause” and although they pretend this is by choice…it isn’t.

So will these brainwashed lemmings every realize that their efforts are redundant? Massively unlikely. If they did come to the realization, then that would consequently mean they would also be coming to the realization that their lives have no purpose, which would (and has) led to both suicide and school shootings. So rather than bursting their organic bubble, we just let them have their little stand, while police officers line them up in their sights and unload on them with beanbags. And we anxiously watch at home, just waiting for a slo mo clip of a bandana clad douchebag getting dropped with one of said beanbags to the face. The Dale says protest on young soldiers, protest on.

Top Gear’s Clarkson…”It’s poop again!”

clarkson

So Jeremy Clarkson, AKA the coolest man on tv AKA the owner of the best job in the world (do you own a job…? what is the correct terminology?) has been dealt a stinky blow from an enviromentalist group for his part in the best show of all time popular TV show, Top Gear in the UK. Clarkson is known for driving cars so hard that they sing spiritual songs while they work. And not just any cars. This guy has the opportunity to drive the best of the best, as Top Gear has one of the largest budgets for a TV show…ever. BBC pumps enormous amounts of money into this show so they can do ridiculous things like race a Bugatti Veyron against a Eurofigher (thats a fighter jet, in case you didn’t know). They can afford to do this because it’s one of the most popular shows on British TV. (Even my Grandma watches it…and she drives a Volvo).

Anyway, as I’m sure everyone knows, most of the nicest cars in the world are also the most offensive to the environment. To make matters worse, Clarkson seems to have an issue with every and any hybrid or electric car that he drives. So a group of women from some stupid environmentalist group called Climate Rush decided to dump a carriage sized load of cow sh*t on the lawn of Clarkson’s mansion, thinking that they would make some sort of statement to him. Newsflash you tree hugging retards…all he’s going to do is pull up into the driveway in his Lamborghini Gallardo droptop, take a look at his massive lawn…continue driving..park the car…grab his cellphone…call his gardeners, and ask them nicely to come clean up the front yard…then go into his mansion and have a cup of tea. A job well done you creepy hippies…this shows what caliber of people environmentalists are….children who think its funny to put shit on people’s porches. The only difference is that children do it for fun and light it on fire, environmentalists do it to give their pathetic lives some sort of purpose. Seriously…you want to better the world? Put all the time you waste pulling publicity stunts into something constructive. God forbid these idiots ACTUALLY do something that benefits the world, like volunteering at recycling plants or planting trees. That’s too hard…after all, the ARE hippies…to do this sort of stuff they’d actually have to put on SHOES.

Hey Dale, Keep F**cking that Chicken!

This is hilarious. As the video above shows, Ernie Anastos, Fox News broadcaster drops the F bomb on live TV. Now this isn’t a unique case, as many a reporter and broadcaster have let certain words slip by accident (They might look and act like robots, but they are ACTUALLY human beings), but the reason I wanted to post about this is the context in which it was said. Unfortunately, I was not privy to the live showing, as it was Fox news based in New York, so I can’t really get the gist of whats going on, but Anastos says “It takes a tough man to make a tender forecast” to the meteorologist, Nick Gregory, who, obviously confused says “well i guess thats me”, to which Anastos replies, laughing “Keep f**king that chicken”. Like…WHAT?!? The look on the woman’s face says it all, as she, as well as I, couldn’t believe what was just said. Reasonably enough, he later admitted  that he meant to say “keep plucking that chicken”, but at the time, the guy didn’t even skip a beat!! He is either incredible at his job, and realized his mistake quickly enough to continue on without even a hint of hesitation, or he sincerely did not realize he even said anything profane at all. Either way, the real question is…what the hell was he talking about? How does “keep plucking that chicken” even make sense in that context? I can’t figure out for the life of me what he was talking about. This looks like a scene straight out of Anchorman for christ’s sakes…the term “keep plucking that chicken” would be right at home coming out of Will Ferrell’s mouth, but this legendary New York broadcaster was for real. I’m pretty sure people still would have commented on the random comment even if he DIDNT swear. BUT…he did! Which is even more great! In my opinion, Mr. Anastos has coined one of the funniest sayings for “keep at it”, that I have ever heard. I will officially start using “keep f**king the chicken” in my everyday life….for example, I could use it towards a small child playing well in a soccer game….”hey Timmy, nice run…keep f**king that chicken little buddy!” Amazing. Thank you Ernie Anastos, for your mistake is my new favourite phrase. Feel free to let us know to keep f**king the chicken if you are enjoying the Daily Dale.

4 year old kid shares baggies of blow with fellow preschoolers….

coke_baby

This just in  (courtesy of a very attractive tipster), a 25 yr old man in New Jersey has been charged with 4 counts of child endangerment as well as drug offenses after filling his 4 year old son’s jacket with baggies of cocaine and sending him to preschool. Apparently this brilliant individual stashed his product in his kid’s jacket after almost being caught with it himself. (The kids new theme song is Ice Cube Ghetto Vet….”now everybody wanna put they dope on me sayin’ I won’t get searched by the LAPD”). Anyway, the kid went to his preschool and promptly started having a blow party with his friends, because his daddy told him it was candy. The teacher noticed that one of the little girls had a baggie of blow in her mouth (how hilarious of a sight would that be…), and she called the cops. This kid had shared his blow with 3 other kids by the time the teacher caught him. They consequently found even more blow in the pockets of his jacket.

What kind of dumb a**hole would feel comfortable with that much of his cocaine going to a preschool with a child who thinks its candy? Kids LOVE candy…of course the kid is going to share it. The dad might as well have dumped it in the garbage, because candy lasts as long in a child’s hands as a virgin would in Giselle Bundchen’s. These kids must have been drooling relentlessly and giving each other hugs and sh*t, saying how much they loved each other. Christ, if the teacher didn’t get to it as soon as she did, we might have had goddamn babies sniffing lines off other babies asses. Now THAT would have made for great news. This is almost as cruel funny inhumane hilarious awful as that idiot who let his 2yr old and 5yr old nephews smoke a blunt…So who’s worse?

David HasselHACK is still a drunk idiot…

hasselhoff

Oooh, goody goody goody…I’ve been waiting for this douchebag to give me an excuse to tear him apart. So where do I start. David Hasselhoff, wash up actor extraordinaire, was taken to hospital on Sunday night after his 17 yr old daughter called the police saying she had spoken to her dad on the phone and he sounded extremely drunk. This is the same David Hasselhoff that was filmed by his daughter a couple of years ago, drunk as sh*t trying to eat a cheeseburger. This big dumb bear is so juiced that he’s having more trouble eating that cheeseburger than I would writing a linear algebra exam after a 3 day bender involving Absinthe, peyote and various barbituates. His poor daughter is asking him over and over to stop drinking, and all he can mumble is “f**k you….mumblemumblemumble..life…mumblemumblemumble bullshit”. Like congratulations you old pathetic bastard, cussing out your 12 year old daughter for giving a sh*t about your old haggard ass. Then some wiseguy decides to give this waste of life a judging position on America’s got Talent…funny, because I don’t remember anyone in the world (except in Germany, but they don’t count) thinking this guy has talent. So how can he judge others? Well, if you’ve watched the show, you know full well he can’t. He desperately tries to get the crowd to laugh at his jokes, and has absolutely nothing of interest to say about anything, ever. Piers Morgan and Sharon Osbourne generally make the decisions, and Hasselhoff is the clown put on there for the whole world to laugh at (not with).

So now, this issue has come up with him going to the hospital on Sunday for being annihilated, when he was supposed to have kicked the habit. This is the crown jewel of the story: Hasselhoff’s excuse. According to his peeps, Hasselhoff was on medication for an ear infection, and that medication conflicted with the drug Antabuse, that Hasselhoff is on for his alcholism, and it “messed up his equilibrium”. That is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. You think because at one point in your life you were one of the stars of a successful show, that people are going to believe any bullshit you feed them? Well I got news for you you old wrinkled bastard…there were only two reasons people watched Baywatch, and those two reasons sat comfortably on Pamela Anderson’s chest. The only reason you had a music career in Germany is because they couldn’t understand what the f**k you were singing about, and you could have copied and pasted any random actor into your role in Knight Rider, and it probably would have been even MORE successful. People watched it for the car, not you.

I for one, am fed up with TV people giving this deadbeat opportunities to continue making something of himself. He is just a washed up dirtbag, who not only abused vodka,  but also his ex- wife and his children. If only this son of a bitch was as good a father to HIS kids as he was to Hobie Buchanan. Someone please kill this guy’s career.

Sex Decoys: Love Stings…aka Redneck Barndance

sexdecoy

So i’ll just give you one last dose for the day, and then I’m off to bed to watch the first two episodes of the new season of Californication. As I ate my chicken fingers tossed in Frank’s Buffalo sauce, I was fortunate enough to catch an episode of a show called Sex Decoys: Love Stings. If you are not familiar with this show, you’re better off, turn away now and forget I ever said anything then I’ll be happy to fill you in. Its a reality show on Fox RC about a  middle aged woman that is 95% synthetic that runs her own private investigation agency, and she, along with her three incredibly trashy daughters Kashmir, Jasmine & Xanadu (Xanawho?), target cheating males. The mom, Sandra, chooses one of her daughters to play the role of fresh meat for the cheater and sets up a whole sting operation with the final goal of getting footage to show the suspected cheater’s wife or girlfriend.

Now I’ve seen this show before and resisted blogging about it, but this time, I just had to. The oldest daughter is a stripper, and she  doesnt want to work for the family business (the only family business she’s familiar with is the kind that involves her, one of her cousins, and her retarded uncle Leroy with a video camera) . Her mom insists on this episode, and so Kashmir sends the suspected cheater a video of her dancing around on his myspace in a bikini,  which almost made me vomit. The blind idiot suspected cheater falls for it and sets up a date with her, and when he shows up, he shows up with a gun on his waist (state of Arizona). The daughter proceeds to give the guy a lapdance (that IS her job), and gets it all on video so they can show the suspect’s girlfriend and she can scream and bitch and cry and then take him back.

gross

Anyway, the reason I felt the need to post today was twofold. Firstly, this woman, thought it was reasonable to send her OWN DAUGHTER into a house to wait for a stranger, and he shows up with A GUN and she lets it carry on. She watched on the other side of the camera as her own daughter’s ass rubbed up against both a penis and cold hard blue steel…AT THE SAME TIME. Just listen to how that sounds… You know there’s gotta be something wrong with that. My second, and perhaps bigger qualm with tonight’s episode, is that Kashmir is DISGUSTING. She is a fat disgusting trashy slob who calls herself a stripper. Fair enough, who am I to judge, maybe some guys like seeing fat disgusting cheeseburger eating factories rolling around on stage. I don’t. But what is completely ridiculous is that they use this KFC receptacle as BAIT for a potential cheater. No word of a lie, I wouldn’t even cheat on myself with this pig. I understand some men like a big ass, but I’m sure they aren’t so keen when that big ass is attached to an even bigger gut and orangutan titties that hang down like drapes over said gut. For this reason, and this reason above all others (because there are ALOT of others), I think the show is staged. No guy who is getting laid somewhere else (aka with a girlfriend) is touching this broad. I don’t care how unattractive your girlfriend is….She can’t be worse than this. If I had to guess, I’d say that this redneck is what’s waiting for you when you get to Satan’s gates. She’s what I’d imagine hell to be like. My God, I better start being good.

Anyone see the Bills/Patriots Monday Nighter Last Week? This guy did…

pats helmet: "Oh hey"  bills helmet: "Oh hey"
Pat and Bill

This angry and hilarious rant comes courtesy of deadspin, the best sports/humor blog in the world (sorry kissingsuzykolber, you’re a close second). In case you don’t follow football, (american football), I’ll give you some background into the story so you can still appreciate this guy’s misery. The Buffalo Bills, a team who is famous for being snakebitten (they’ve been to 4 superbowls, won 0) beyond any definition of simple bad luck, opened their season monday night against the pride and joy of the NFL, the Tiger Woods of the NFL, the New England Patriots. These teams play in the same division and are thus heated rivals. But more importantly is the fact that the Bills are a poor football squad and have been for a while, and the Pats are consistently dominant, and this was Tom Brady’s first game back from knee surgery after missing the entire 08/09 season. SO, big things were expected.  Anyway, the betting line was New England -10.5. That means New England was supposed to win this game by ten and a half points on paper. Oh how wrong the line was. Much to my dismay (I’m a Pats fan you see), New England never took the lead until the final 30 seconds (phew), and won the game by  only one point. Buffallo fumbled late in the game and gave the Patriots the ball back when all the Bills had to do was sit on it. Of course Brady took advantage and threw a last minute touchdown. The Pats are now 1-0 as expected, and the Bills 0-1. I leave you with the words of  disgruntled Bills Fan, Nate, from Deadspin:

Nate: It couldn’t have been the bloodbath we were all expecting. It just couldn’t have been! No, that would have been far too easy. I would have flicked the game off by halftime, shrugged the same apathetic shrug I’ve adopted for the last five or so years, maybe gotten a little work done, maybe smoked a bowl and played video games, all the while secure in knowing that the shell of bitter cynicism I’ve spent the last two decades building around myself is justified.

But no! Instead of giving me that kind of peace, this season opener had to be a perfect microcosm of 20 years’ worth of Bills fandom: expectations so low they barely exist, slowly brought to life by a performance strong enough to push the scarring, bitter memories aside; surprisingly competent play eliciting that wonderful childish rush of “ohmigod ohmigod ohmigod this might happen;” the momentary twinge of guilt for not believing all the while washed away by the next completed pass or forced punt; followed by the soul-crushing hollow when it’s all taken away, reminding you of how fair life isn’t, sending you scurrying back under your shell, muttering about another 7-9 season (if you’re lucky).

Leodis McKelvin is JP Losman’s “athleticism,” Doug Flutie’s futility, Drew Bledsoe’s immobility, Thurman Thomas’s lost helmet, Andre Reed’s temper tantrum, and Scott Norwood’s bad aim.

I’m sure it’s too late for the mailbag tomorrow, so I’m not even going to bother asking a question. All that I ask is for you to write funny things tomorrow, and the day after, and the day after that, and help me, yet again, to remember why the f**k I spent all summer waiting for this.

SERIOUSLY, OF ALL THE F**KING THINGS, SPECIAL TEAMS? THE BASTARD RED-HEADED STEPCHILD OF OFFENSE AND DEFENSE, THE ONE F**KING THING WE’RE USUALLY NOT F**KING TERRIBLE AT, THAT GIVES ANNOUNCERS SOMETHING TO TALK ABOUT DURING THOSE AWKWARD MOMENTS WHEN THEY REALIZE THEY HAVEN’T SAID ANYTHING NICE ABOUT THE BILLS FOR AN HOUR? WE HAD TO F**K THAT UP TOO? LEODIS MCKELVIN YOU EAT A BIG BAG OF DICKS. YOU EAT A BIG THROBBING F**KING BAG OF DICKS AND YOU CHOKE AND YOU DIE. F**K.

There you have it. Thanks again deadspin, and go Patriots!!!

Real Time With Bill Maher: The most honest show on TV…Until Jay-Z came on anyway

An Atheist's God
An Atheist's God

Watching HBO’s Real Time with Bill Maher is like a glimpse into another world. Most of us, scratch that, some of us, understand this world: Very well educated and well read people get together in a studio and discuss the issues currently troubling our population. It’s not complicated, but it is complex and innovative considering the state of television today. But Real Time is not a news show, it is not a talk show, it is not an “anything” show. It is simply intelligent people speaking their minds with absolutely no censor. And it is the most worthwhile thing on tv right now (at least until season 7 of Curb your Enthusiasm starts).

Maher’s show is formatted like a mix of The Daly Show, The Tonight Show (with Johnny Carson) and The View (minus the clucking hens). He begins with a monologue which is almost always funny, yes, funny, and then has either a single guest on or a panel of people on to discuss current events. The people are usually involved in political media or journalism, or even just some politically charged people from the entertainment industry, but the one thing all of the guests on Real Time have in common is that they have a brain. Ashton Kutcher is by far the stupidest person I’ve ever seen on this show, and it’s not like he pulled a Kanye West or anything, he was just out of his league a little when the conversation turned towards American foreign policy. But hey, so was I. (Sidenote: Pulling a Kanye West now refers to completely embarrassing yourself out of stupidity).

Most of the guests Bill gets follow the lead of the host himself. Maher is one of the most laid back, casual, yet ambitious men on television. He works based on a principle that we see far too little of these days in our society: Logic. Bill Maher breaks down every situation from Obama’s stimulus package and proposed legalization of marijuana to the Octomom controversy and Brett Favre, and simply applies logic to the situation, then speaks his mind. He has no other agenda getting in his way other than logic and honesty. It’s rather refreshing.

One of the things Billy Boy is famous for is denouncing religion so publicly. He has offended millions of people with his views on how any organized religion is not only childish and cult-like, but downright dangerous and responsible for many of the world’s conflicts. He is so passionate about his anti-religious views, he even made a movie about it, Religulous, with HBO director Larry Charles (Borat, Entourage). Anyway, I digress. On Real Time, great, tense moments routinely arise because someone on the show will say something like “God Forbid another terrorist attack happens on American soil blah blah blah” and Bill will just kind of stop, acknowledge the fact the guy said “GOD” forbid, and make a wisecrack about how “Yeah, Santa Claus was really doing all he could to stop those planes from hitting the buildings” and the audience, who is most likely all atheist, laughs hysterically. You see Maher hates anything credited to religion and hates anyone putting any faith in anything other than human logic and what is testable. And he will tell his guests this time and time again, no matter who they are. The best is when he gets someone very liberal on the show who actually agrees with him  (Sarah Silverman for example) and they really hit it off. Bill Maher told Sarah Silverman that he really admired an episode of The Sarah Silverman Show when she did a 9/11 spoof and had all these arab people falling out of buildings or something unclear like that. Silverman sat there for about 3 seconds silently, smiled, and then said “Well Bill I made it fun again!” She made 9/11 fun again. Only on Real Time I tell you.  (The audience of course “ooooh’d”, but that was it. Everything goes on this show.) Check it out, she is actually HILARIOUS.

They then got to talking about how they once met at the Playboy Mansion and snuck out to the backyard to smoke a joint together. This is Bill Maher and Sarah Silverman we are talking about…at the Playboy Mansion…smoking marijuana cigarettes together….like, weird?  Yes, but fascinating!!! And this is the kind of shit you get on Real Time on a weekly basis: A glimpse into how smart, famous, educated people live their lives. (Sidenote: Maher is a huge marijuana advocate, constantly talks about getting high, and the guests he has on constantly make fun of him for it and it provides amazing entertainment. This comforts the Dale for a variety of reasons). If Sarah Silverman and Bill Maher hangin out and smokin weed together isn’t intriguing enough for you, how about Mos Def and Salmon Rushdie hitting it off!

Once again, only on Real Time.

Type in Real Time on youtube and hours of entertainment AND education will ensue, I promise, no matter who the guest or panel is. Last week though, something interesting happened. The Jigga man, aka Jay-Z, walked onto Real Time and it became very clear very quickly that Maher had pledged his allegiance to RocNation years ago. He was quoting lyrics from Reasonable Doubt, the original Blueprint and telling Jay-Z how infatuated he was with his recording style of not writing anything down. But then, Bill told Jay he had a gift for him. Because Jay-Z does not write down any of his lyrics, Bill thought THIS would be a good gift (fast forward to 1:55). Enjoy  this clip too, Maher asks Jay-Z great questions and gets him to speak on Kanye and many other people.

While Bill did kiss Jay-Z’s ass forty times over in that segment, the show remains awesome. I probably would have kissed Jay-Z’s ass too though. I mean come on, it’s Jay-Z, and the fact that Bill Maher is cool enough to at least know who’s cool, well, that’s cool with me.