Tag Archives: tiger woods

Tiger Would pt 2.

ok so I just watched Tiger Woods’ press conference. If you missed it, its basically him saying exactly what you’d expect him to, apologizing to everyone (and trying to be as sincere as possible by creepily staring into the camera), asking the press to respect his privacy, and letting us know he’s going back into therapy. It then ends with him hugging each of the people in the front row (His mom and his wife’s mom being two of those people). So on the surface, it looked like Tiger was following the respectful, mature path of dealing with his “problem”.

But Dale sees right through that bullshit. What I saw was a guy who got caught with his hand in the cookie jar (or several cookie jars for that matter), sheepishly taking the easy way out. By admitting that railing every waitress/club promoter/aspiring model in sight  was a result of a sex addiction, all seems to be well and good.

Although I get that the first step to successful recovery is admitting that you have a problem, I really don’t think this is what Tiger was doing. I honestly do not think he sincerely thinks what he did was wrong. And that’s because (biologically), it isn’t.

We men are genetically programmed to be polygamists, yet society’s norms have essentially cockblocked us from fulfilling what we were meant to do. Marriage and monogamy is a sociological phenomenon, and this is really the only reason why we consider Tiger’s behaviour as being offensive. If he did this in an islamic state, it would be a completely different scenario. Women, on the other hand, are genetically predisposed to monogamy, as they are programmed to find a suitable mate that can take care of them and their young, and stick with that mate. (don’t bitch at me for being sexist, read the goddamn literature for yourself).

So Tiger has to go through two months of rehab in order to save his marriage, after slaying everything with a hole and a heartbeat for the last half decade. Big deal. He’s a perfectly intelligent person who has realized that sex addiction is his golden ticket out of the dog house. But how can all you people be dumb enough to believe that? If they found a computer filled with terabytes of porn pictures, or he spent 7-8 hours a day in front of a computer with his twig n berries out looking at porn, then ok…sex addiction. But being the highest paid athlete in the world and cashing in on the benefits? The Dale thinks that is the farthest thing from sex addiction. I think that’s the result of having a boring wife at home, liking hot women, and having these hot women falling all over you because of your status. Sounds pretty fucking normal to me. To be in that position and have the willpower to say no is not admirable, its stupid. You only live once.

So the Dale says: Good on Tiger for finding a solution to the problem, and shame on all the rest of you for believing that tagging the word “addiction” onto the back of anything makes it forgivable.

If that’s the case, then Dale has a Hating fat girls addiction. Don’t be mad……I’m addicted.


Tiger Would.

Ok so during the Dale’s hiatus, a certain squeaky clean sports figure turned out to be a pretty big dirtbag. I have contemplated whether I should post about it or not, because at this point it’s old news, but came to the conclusion that it would be both appropriate and entertaining to give a quick rundown of the Dale’s opinion of each mistress.
Before we get started let me give my two cents on his wife. Yea. She’s a Swedish bikini model. But she is the shittiest Swedish bikini model I’ve ever seen. Shes nothing special AT ALL and my guess is that her performance between the sheets would be as entertaining as watching the sport her husband plays. So let’s look at which little birdy’s sunk his balls instead.

Rachel Uchitel –  hotter than his wife, but sheeeeee looka lika men (Ms. Swan). Not in the realm you would expect for the richest sports personality in the world. Bit of a beak nose, blatantly fake rack and all around average broad. Her fake boobs make her seem more appealing but the Dale thinks fake boobs are cheating and should therefore not count in assessment of a broadsky. Arguably tigers best work though (and thats not saying much). Also accepted a fee rumoured to be around a mil to keep it quiet…added points

Holly Sampson – this endeavour makes me think that tiger probably didn’t get much action as an adolescent. The need to sleep with a blond pornstar with big fake boobs stems from hours of watching porn at home while the cool kids at school were out getting real action. Kanye west is another example of this. Losers who turn famous want to bang pornstars. It’s a proven fact. But still, tiger could have picked a hotter pornstar..I mean this girls tits look like something that you’d expect to see slung over a gym teachers shoulder walking into a dodgeball class. Weak game tiger.

Mindy Lawton – my god. What the HELL was he thinking?? Picks up this asshat serving pancakes at Perkins and brings her home to his marital bed to mate with her. This bitch looks like Animal from the muppets. I guarantee when she takes off her clothes it looks like she has Buckwheat in a figure four leglock. And to make matters worse… It would be a redheaded Buckwheat. Ew. Tiger must have wanted a girl with 0 self esteem that he could do all sorts of disgusting shit to. Gross.

The other mistresses basically blend into one another…cocktail waitress aspiring model blah blah blah. I’m pretty sure “aspiring model” just means unemployed. But anyway, yea. They are all average girls who do not justify the divorce settlement that tigger’s going to have to pay out.
So why the hell would he risk it all to sleep with broads like this…I mean just look at them! Even the hottest one is just a step above ditch-pig status….not worth it. But at the same time…just IMAGINE how goddamn boring his wife must be in bed. She’s apparently boring enough to push her husband into sleeping with Animal from the muppets. She may be a “Swedish bikini model” by title, but she is NOT the Swedish bikini model (SBM) that pubescent boys have wet dreams about. Tiger essentially got a SBM lemon. In fact, the Dale is convinced that there is more SBM essence in his proverbial left nut than there is in mrs woods’ whole body. Sucks for him. But at least he’s out of his contract and can upgrade to a better model (see what I did there). Judging by his track record he might want to hire a personal shopper this time.
– Dale